Love & Phone Calls

There’s something about December that always makes me feel like I’ve fallen asleep on top of the television remote, and awakened to find the movie three minutes from finishing—the year, suddenly, finished. Part of this is due to the bustle of the holidays, but there’s also a strange feeling that lingers in the air. As the days grow dark before 5PM and we bundle into ancient quilts, December is a reminder that things are ending all around you and there’s nothing that can be done to stop it.

This is all just a melodramatic way for me to say that the state inspection for my car is due in December and it feels unimaginably difficult to find the time or the energy to take care of it. This is also a way for me to say that though I have experienced immense joy in December, I have also shed tears and wondered when it will ever get easier.

Two weeks ago, I made an appointment to get my car inspected with my favorite local auto service center. The earliest time available was 9:30AM on December 30th. Cutting it close to the end of the month, but certainly doable. I wonder if you can see where this is going. I couldn’t, but real life has different rules than writing. Even non-fiction such as this.

I arrived five minutes early to my appointment on Friday, the 30th, to be told that the inspection machine was down. I had to be at work in half an hour, and worked 10-5 the following day, a holiday. My body began to panic in earnest. But this is not an essay about the way anxiety has thrown parties in my ribcage, this is about the way I have learned to listen to my body when it is sounding the alarm.

Something else that’s important to understanding this story is to know that I deal specifically with phone call anxiety. I’m not sure when it began or why it manifested—perhaps because I wasn’t forced to make many phone calls growing up, or because I prefer having facial cues to work off of during conversation, but even calls with loved ones give me a pit in the stomach that swells and fills my abdomen with jitters. In order to get this appointment in the first place, it had taken a couple of days of prep. I had to go over the worst case scenarios (nothing substantial) and then write and briefly rehearse my script for what I would say when the phone was picked up (two sentences long, handwritten in my journal). Though I have been using this same auto service center for years now, and have had only positive experiences, I still have to perform these rituals. Same goes for ordering food, answering calls from people I’ve known for decades, making any type of appointment, or dealing with various insurance agencies.

So, here I was, down to the wire. I didn’t have the luxury of prepping for days, researching locations to get a last-minute inspection. I just had to figure it out.

I won’t bog you down with the details of my fears, the brief tears I shed in embarrassment as I unconsciously ate a sandwich during my lunch break. What’s important to the story is that I did it. I made the phone call, arranged for an inspection the following day, and I was okay. And this is what I really wanted to say, with this whole story about phone calls and cars and driving aimlessly through December; afterwards, I chose to acknowledge the stress I had been under, and allowed myself to feel proud of the way I had overcome it.

While making a phone call and rescheduling a last minute state inspection is not something to cry over for much of the population, it threw a big wrench into my day and sent my body into a flurry. Only I knew, know, how big it was for me to handle that situation in real time and figure it out on my own.

In the past, I would’ve used this experience as a reason to beat myself up in the privacy of my brain. I probably would’ve wandered through obnoxiously bright grocery store aisles, listening to sad music, feeling like a failure because of the how anxiety continues to impede upon my life. But, on this day, I chose to celebrate my victory rather than criticize the fact that I had anything to be victorious over. I walked back into work and, as a you did it! treat, bought myself a small stuffed strawberry to sit on the dashboard of my car.

"Treat yourself” is a joke that you see on Twitter, on coffee mugs, in television ads, but there’s truth and value in giving yourself a pat on the back when you accomplish something that’s difficult for you. Especially when that thing might not be seen as such to anybody else. So, I bought the strawberry, placed it on my dashboard, and shed a few more tears. Not in anxiety or grief, but in reaction to the self-love I had shown myself when I needed it. The self-love that is often one snowflake in a blizzard of emotions, waiting for me to stick out my tongue and taste it.

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UPDATES

You might notice that something is a little different here—I’ve moved my newsletter to Substack! Tinyletter has served my needs now for many years now but I like that Substack has an archive where you can scroll back through old newsletters, as well as its abundant options for customization within the newsletter itself. This newsletter will always be free, but I’ve added a paid subscription option if you’d like to support me monetarily. Click on the subscribe button at the bottom of this email to check it out!

Other than this newsletter, I have some other rad things going on as well! Recently I announced new tiers on my Patreon, with tools and resources for writers and readers of poetry alike. Please check them out! Writing for patrons has become one of my favorite things to do each month, and I’d love to send out even more postcards than I already am.

I also have merch again! Just stickers for now, but I’m hoping to expand my store in the coming months with other items. Each order comes with a little handwritten thank you note from me :)

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THINGS I’M LOVING THIS MONTH

Preacher’s Daughter by Ethel Cain

My new reading journal, which I just finished prepping for the year & am very excited about! If you search “reading journal” on Tiktok or Pinterest, you can get a good idea of what it entails.

Cooking with Lion’s Mane Mushrooms (or, at least eating them when my fiance prepares it—this linked mix is delicious!!!)

Freaks and Geeks (yes, I’m late to the party, but it’s so good and I’m dreading its end)

Thank you for being here.

Until next time,

Caitlin